[fic] big bang - tobae - motivation
Nov. 16th, 2009 05:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cupcake4mafiaTitle: Motivation
Pairing: Top/Taeyang
Rating: R
Disclaimer: In no way do I claim the following is/has/will happen. This is only fiction written for fun.
A/N: BIG props to the kpop ficmeme for inspiration, and a special thanks to the beta who helped me out there <3
Summary: Seunghyun starts exercising with Youngbae and soon can't think about much else.
---
Seunghyun knows when it’s Youngbae trying to wake him up, because he’s the only one who tries to do so gently. The rest of his roommates prefer to drag the sheets off his bed and scream when they need him. He’s too comfortable to move, spooned between his panda body pillow and a sleeping puppy, but Youngbae holds Boss up to his face and he has to squirm to avoid a tongue bath.
“What?” he groans, pretending to be more annoyed than he is.
“Can you watch him?” Youngbae asks. “He gets restless when I’m exercising.”
Seunghyun sits up on his elbows to look at the time. 7:00 am, on their day off.
“You’re out of your mind,” he says.
Youngbae just thanks him, dumping Boss on the bed and leaving. Charlie wakes up and the two sniff at each other excitedly. Boss waves his butt in Seunghyun’s face. Going back to sleep is not an option, so Seunghyun herds the dogs into the living room where Youngbae is doing sit-ups on the floor. He flops on the couch and watches, scratching his stomach absent-mindedly.
“Gonna be naked on this album jacket, too?” he asks.
Youngbae laughs, finishing his set before answering.
“It’s kind of expected, now,” he says, lying on his back and stretching out his arms.
“I should be shirtless in my solo video,” Seunghyun jokes.
Youngbae turns his head, eyes wide.
“You should! Everyone would be surprised!”
“Disgusted,” Seunghyun corrects him. “Everyone would be disgusted.”
“Your body is fine.”
Youngbae starts his sit-ups again. Seunghyun watches his stomach contract and relax; not just his stomach, but his chest, his arms, everything flexing and pulling and giving him strength. Seunghyun picks up Charlie with one hand, holding him in front of his face.
“Your dad is a wimp,” he apologizes to the dog. “Don’t go running away from the apartment. I’ll never be able to catch you.”
“Oh shut up,” Youngbae says, breathless. “Work out with me if it bothers you so much.”
“I’m watching the dogs.”
“They can entertain each other.”
“I’m lazy.”
Youngbae shakes his head, giving up. Seunghyun feels guilty, remembering how Youngbae recently promised to nag them all less. Moving sluggishly, he pulls his hoodie over his head and gets on the floor.
“Fighting,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun does his best not to laugh, because Youngbae is generally a genuine person. He feels a little proud of himself when Daesung does a double take on his way to the kitchen and jokes about how Jiyong will get angry if all four of them have abs.
“Different body types,” Youngbae reminds them.
Seunghyun knows this well. Never in his life will he look like Youngbae does. Still, it has been a long time since he tried at all.
---
One night when everyone else seems to have productive things to do, Seunghyun drags Seungri away from his laptop to correct his Japanese workbook.
“Shouldn’t you get Youngbae-hyung to do this?” Seungri whines, stretching out to cover as much of the couch as he can when Seunghyun gets up to get a snack.
Seunghyun sits on Seungri’s leg and he yelps, retreating to the arm of the couch. Seunghyun offers him the bag of popcorn and he takes a handful, still glaring.
“Youngbae is busy,” Seunghyun says. “You’re not.”
Seungri shuts his mouth again and resumes his Good Maknae position, working silently as Seunghyun watches TV. During a commercial break he pokes Seunghyun’s shoulder with his pencil.
“You keep forgetting long vowels,” Seungri says, holding the book out to him.
“That’s just a writing problem, though, right?”
“It’s important in speaking, too. I know it doesn’t seem like it would be.”
Seunghyun reads through the vocabulary words Seungri has circled, trying to hear the difference.
“You should practice with Youngbae-hyung when you work out in the mornings,” Seungri suggests.
Seunghyun feels the back of his neck go hot. He thinks it’s just a little weird to realize that the whole apartment knows he’s trying to get in shape. It was kind of nice for it to be a secret between him and Youngbae and Daesung.
“Work hard and someday you could look like me,” Seungri teases, apparently sensing the shift in mood.
This is bait, but Seunghyun takes it, knowing Seungri likes to be smacked around a little bit. Daesung comes home soon enough to break them up with bags of good-smelling take-out and everyone gathers for dinner. Under Youngbae’s silent watch, Seunghyun skips dessert.
---
Seunghyun first feels it one evening when he’s leaning over to scoop kibble into Charlie’s bowl. He hurries to his room, locking the door and standing in front of his closet mirror. He takes off his shirt and examines himself from a few angles. It’s not very noticeable unless he flexes, but there is some definition that wasn’t there before. Nearly bouncing on his feet, he throws his shirt back on and knocks on Youngbae’s door.
“Check it,” he announces, proud, pulling his shirt up to his ribcage.
Youngbae takes his earbuds out, cocking his head to the side as he reaches out and touches Seunghyun’s abdomen. His fingers are cold.
“That’s awesome!” he says, beaming up at Seunghyun.
“It’s not going to be enough, at least not in time for the album.”
“You should keep it up, though. You’re doing great.”
Seunghyun wants to say something like “thanks to you,” but he’s having an increasingly hard time ignoring the fact that Youngbae is still feeling his stomach. Finally, Youngbae notices the silence and drops his hand.
“Sorry,” he says.
“For what?” Seunghyun asks, pushing his shirt back down and picking at the hem.
Youngbae shrugs, smiling, and Seunghyun is quick to change the conversation.
“I think we should celebrate my success.”
“By drinking a ton of beer and undoing all your hard work,” Youngbae guesses.
Seunghyun frowns, cursing his junior’s intuition.
“Shopping,” he says instead.
Youngbae agrees and promises to text Jiyong once he finishes the next chapter in his Japanese textbook. Seunghyun ignores the implied suggestion that he do the same and goes to pick out his outfit for the night.
There’s still a prickly electric feeling on the skin of his newly-flat stomach. He ignores that, too.
---
Jiyong snaps his fingers from the other side of the store and Seunghyun could kick himself for instinctively looking up.
“Come here and try this on,” he orders, holding out a V-neck shirt that would look perfectly at home on Daesung.
By now, Seunghyun has learned to humor Jiyong whenever possible, so he obliges. He’s not surprised when Jiyong follows him into the dressing room, paying no mind to the store attendant pointedly clearing her throat. He is surprised when the door closes and Jiyong tugs at his clothes.
“Um, what?”
“You bastard,” Jiyong sighs, sitting on the small room’s hard stone bench and crossing his legs. “You just had to go and get all built.”
“You call this built?” Seunghyun asks, frowning at his reflection.
“I know Youngbae’s not going to stop until he turns you into another Mr. Universe, and then where does that put me?”
Seunghyun rolls his eyes, trying on the V-neck top and finding it just as ridiculous as he’d thought it would be. Jiyong laughs, appeased.
“Sorry, had to try,” he apologizes.
Seunghyun changes quickly under Jiyong’s analytical stare.
“You know what someone called me on a forum the other day? Noodle Arms.”
“If you had big beefy arms, you couldn’t shop in the women’s section anymore,” Seunghyun argues.
Jiyong nods, looking a little wistful.
“Youngbae told you about it, huh?” Seunghyun asks.
“Are you kidding me?” Jiyong scoffs. “It’s all he can talk about lately, how proud he is of you. It’s right up there with when he finally housetrained Boss.”
“Oh.”
“Now let’s go find him before Kyungil gets too friendly again.”
So Seunghyun hasn’t been imagining it. Kyungil, who just last month was campaigning against Youngbae’s addition to the group’s Friday nights, has made a pretty drastic turnabout.
“Is he…?”
Seunghyun stops himself. He’s not supposed to ask; that’s been the unspoken rule since he started going around with this crowd. Jiyong leans on the door of the dressing room, looking down at his feet.
“Forget it,” Seunghyun says. “It doesn’t matter.”
“He’s not good enough for Youngbae,” Jiyong says solemnly.
There’s a knock at the door and the attendant asks if they need help with something. Jiyong says no and leads Seunghyun back into the store. They meet the others, and Seunghyun notices Youngbae and Kyungil have matching ice coffees. Jiyong’s words turn over in his head as they leave the mall for Seungho’s favorite bar.
Whether Kyungil is good enough for Youngbae shouldn’t matter, seeing as Kyungil is a man. Either that, or Seunghyun has been asking the wrong questions.
---
Obsessing over Youngbae’s body all the time has seriously messed with his head, Seunghyun thinks. A couple cocktails and a shot have helped him along to this conclusion, but it still seems valid. All night he’s been way too aware of what Youngbae does with his body; how he turns, where he keeps his hands (particularly when he keeps one of his hands on Kyungil’s knee for almost five minutes). It’s exhausting, paying so much attention, and Seunghyun is nearly falling over by the time they make it back to the apartment.
“Somebody cheated on his diet,” Seungri sings, greeting them.
He’s been watching TV in the dark with Gaho on his lap and he’s probably bitter about being stuck dog-sitting.
“Stop reveling in my failure,” Seunghyun warns him, leaning heavily on Youngbae’s arm.
“Hyung is so poetic when he’s drunk!”
Seunghyun doesn’t have the will or energy to play with Seungri, especially with Charlie jumping up his leg. Fortunately, Jiyong steps in, pinching the back of Seungri’s neck and demanding a “thank you, hyung!” before distracting him with all the gifts he bought while they were out.
Seunghyun carries his puppy to his bedroom, lying back on the lumpy plane of stuffed animals covering his bed. He’s aware of Youngbae following him, of course, but he’s also trying very hard right now to block out all light and sound.
“You drank too much.”
“Always do.”
“We’ll have to go twice as long tomorrow to burn it off.”
“I’m not doing this for you.”
Finally, Seunghyun gets the silence he’s needed all night. He feels blindly for Charlie, scratching behind his ears when he finds them. The bed dips with Youngbae’s weight and Seunghyun turns his head to look up at him. His hat casts a shadow over his eyes and his expression is unreadable.
“You asked Jiyong if I was gay,” Youngbae says, voice low even though the door is closed.
Maybe he doesn’t want the dogs to hear, Seunghyun thinks.
“I asked Jiyong if Kyungil was gay, and I said I didn’t care,” Seunghyun tells him.
He really wishes they weren’t having this conversation now, or ever, really.
“I don’t like Kyungil that way.”
“I don’t care who you like.”
He’s getting really good at shutting Youngbae up, he realizes. Maybe it’s just that he’s too tired to care.
“You drank too much,” Youngbae repeats, moving out of Seunghyun’s view. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Youngbae turns off the light for him, and even though Charlie is pacing the bed in impatient circles, Seunghyun falls asleep almost immediately.
---
In his dreams, the dogs are all huge. Gaho comes up to Seungri’s shoulder and Daesung is riding Charlie around the apartment like a pony. Youngbae is upset because he can’t find Boss, and Seunghyun can’t figure out how something so big could be lost. They drive around the city at night looking for him, but then when Seunghyun spots him on the side of the road he can’t get the brakes to work. They drive around the block again and again, waiting for the car to run out of gas. Youngbae calls helplessly to Boss and he howls in return. The sun rises and they’re still going in circles and Seunghyun worries it will never stop.
---
11:30 am. Charlie has peed on the floor, but Seunghyun knows it’s probably too late to scold him. He has to go to the kitchen to get paper towels, but he can’t bring himself to open the door. His phone buzzes and he sees a text from Youngbae.
don’t forget your meeting with Teddy at 3
Seunghyun curses, tossing the phone to the side. He doesn’t have a single new lyric to show for the last month. He doesn’t have anything to show for the last month other than losing a few kilograms and mastering the difference between “obasan” and “obaasan.”
His phone buzzes again.
I hear you in there
at least take a shower
you’ll feel better
Seunghyun really can’t call it nagging when he’s the one lying in bed at lunchtime with piss on his carpet. He gets up and cleans, feeds the dog, takes a shower, all the while trying not to think about how he and Youngbae are the only ones around. Youngbae, for his part, stays in his room with the door halfway open, writing at his desk. Finally, Seunghyun goes to Youngbae’s room and sits on his bed.
“Can you tell Teddy I’m not ready yet?”
Youngbae studies Seunghyun’s face for a long moment before nodding.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” Seunghyun answers honestly, looking down at his hands. “I guess I’ve just been concentrating on the wrong stuff.”
“Sorry if I’ve been distracting you.”
The grin that stretches across Seunghyun’s face comes faster than he can think of the reason behind it. There’s silence between them again and all he can do is shrug.
“You really don’t need to worry about your body,” Youngbae says. “Your rapping is what they care about.”
“I know.”
“Don’t get caught up in drama either. Jiyong and them, they all live off of it, so it will never stop.”
“I guess I’m the kind of person who needs to be taken care of,” Seunghyun thinks aloud.
Youngbae smiles, twisting his computer chair gently from side to side.
“You’re the baby,” he agrees.
“I just don’t know what you get out of it.”
“You like taking care of Charlie, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t get drunk and insult me. The worst he does is pee on things, so it’s kind of hard to get mad at him.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Youngbae promises. “And you didn’t insult me.”
“I kind of called you gay.”
“That’s not an insult,” Youngbae says.
Immediately, he turns to his desk, and Seunghyun stares dumbly at his back. It’s another opening, just like how Youngbae leaves his door cracked in the evenings, but Seunghyun isn’t sure whether to take it. The tension between them is frustrating enough, but he doesn’t want to be the one to fuck things up.
“I’ll call Teddy,” Youngbae says, pulling his phone from his pocket.
Laziness isn’t Seunghyun’s problem, but fear. All the things Youngbae does for him, they’re things that Seunghyun is afraid to do. Now look what it’s become, Seunghyun thinks; he can’t even wake up late without Youngbae feeling responsible.
“He’s dealing with some stuff right now,” Youngbae tells Teddy, the words just barely louder than Seunghyun’s thoughts.
“It’s the things I’m not dealing with,” Seunghyun says after Youngbae hangs up.
“You should write about it,” Youngbae suggests.
Seunghyun shuffles dutifully back to his room, wondering if Youngbae has ever in his life wasted time.
---
He wakes up at 3:00 am and can’t remember when he fell asleep.
“My whole life is these four walls,” he scribbles. It’s a shit start, but it’s better than a blank page.
He grabs his phone off the floor and types a message to Youngbae.
I’m sorry I suck so much at this
I just don’t know what to say
He presses send and falls back onto his pillow.
---
It’s still dark outside when Youngbae shakes Seunghyun awake with a nervous look on his face.
“What’s wrong?” Seunghyun asks, sitting up.
“Nothing.”
Seunghyun looks around for Charlie as his eyes adjust.
“I put him and Boss in with Jiyong,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun doesn’t know what to say to that.
“Big Bang is,” Youngbae starts, hesitating. “I don’t want-”
He stops mid-breath, shifting and sighing.
“Why did you move the dogs?” Seunghyun asks.
“So I could get in bed with you.”
Seunghyun scoots over, pushing his panda pillow out of the way, but Youngbae stays put. He’s starting to get frustrated with this. The more they talk, the more likely they are to talk themselves out of it, and Seunghyun is ready for something to just happen already.
“I don’t know if I should,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun reaches out and tugs Youngbae’s arm. He finally moves, lying with his body just close enough for Seunghyun to feel the heat coming off of him.
“This is a really really really bad idea,” Youngbae murmurs. “Really bad.”
After a deep breath, he crosses the line between them, resting his forehead on Seunghyun’s shoulder. Seunghyun runs his hand up and down Youngbae’s back like he wishes someone would do for him. It’s a huge relief, actually, to know Youngbae was that nervous.
“Meet me halfway, here,” Seunghyun asks him.
He thinks this is probably hopeless and the two of them are way too nervous and overwhelmed to get anything done, but then Youngbae kisses the edge of Seunghyun’s lips and all of the shaky, fuzzy, skittish feelings dissolve. Seunghyun grins.
“Do that again.”
Youngbae kisses the other side of his mouth, just as chastely. Seunghyun moves his hands from Youngbae’s back to his abdomen, finally touching what his eyes have memorized. He might make a noise while doing this, because Youngbae’s stomach moves when he giggles.
“Just going to feel me up?” Youngbae teases.
There’s not enough strength behind the joke, Seunghyun thinks, not when he can feel Youngbae’s skin burning under his hands. Now that the moment is here, he’s not really sure what to do with it. In the back of his mind Seunghyun has been thinking about touching Youngbae, but he’s never let himself imagine anything beyond that.
“I’m not stopping you, am I?” he huffs, passing the responsibility back.
Fortunately, Youngbae does like to take care of Seunghyun, which right now translates into pushing his shoulders back and kissing the space between his neck and collarbone. Seunghyun keeps up his careful inventory of Youngbae’s body; his upper arms, his hips, the small of his back. He hesitates for just a second before reaching down to squeeze Youngbae’s butt. Youngbae moans into his neck and Seunghyun decides that he can actually handle this. He nudges Youngbae’s head with his until the other comes up for a real kiss.
“Cute,” he mumbles.
“Don’t call me that,” Youngbae says, even though Seunghyun can feel his smile.
“What should I call you then?”
“I don’t know. Youngbae.”
“Bae.”
“Youngbae,” he repeats, biting down on Seunghyun’s lip.
Seunghyun growls but Youngbae laughs at him. He tugs at the waistband of Seunghyun’s sweats, knuckles brushing over his almost painful erection, and Seunghyun freezes. It’s not the fact that it’s Youngbae, because, really, Seunghyun is always awkward when facing these situations sober. He pushes the other away instinctively when he starts to hike up his shirt. Youngbae backs off.
“What if I get undressed first?” he asks.
Seunghyun nods. A few minutes and some uncomfortable maneuvering later, Youngbae’s bare body is moving against his and Seunghyun wants to personally thank every dance teacher and gym trainer that Big Bang has ever worked with.
“Just tell me what to do,” Youngbae breathes.
Oh.
Right, Seunghyun remembers. This is quite possibly the only situation where he will ever be one step ahead of Youngbae and he really should be helping.
“You’re fine,” Seunghyun reassures him. “Don’t think too much.”
Youngbae says “okay” a few times under his breath as Seunghyun moves down his torso. He wraps his fingers around the base of Youngbae’s cock, tasting the underside. It’s not unpleasant, and he likes the sound of Youngbae’s whimpers and how he tugs at his hair. That is, until Youngbae suddenly bucks and comes on the side of Seunghyun’s face.
“Oh, shit, no, no,” Youngbae stammers, wriggling out of Seunghyun’s grasp.
“That’s alright, that’s fine.”
“No, it’s not, I’m sorry, let me just, wait, wait-”
Youngbae grabs Seunghyun’s arm, holding him still and wiping his cheek clean.
“This is my shirt.”
Youngbae groans and falls back on the bed, covering his face. Seunghyun wants to laugh at him but the moment is dangerously close to passing.
“Did you want to stop?” he asks.
Youngbae uncovers his face and suddenly he’s focused again. It’s the same way he focuses on dancing and singing and teaching Seunghyun how to look and speak better. Seunghyun loves being the center of it.
---
“You two are so fucking lucky, do you know that?”
Seunghyun opens his eyes and is hit with the icy realization that Boss is the one licking the back of his neck. Jiyong stands over his bed, arms crossed.
“If Seungri found you like this the whole city would know about it in two hours,” he scolds.
Seunghyun turns to see Youngbae’s outline hiding under his covers.
“But since you got me, I didn’t see anything,” Jiyong continues, wincing against what Seunghyun guesses is a pretty bad headache. “And I hope the next time, when there is something for me not to see, you will lock the door so I don’t see it.”
“Don’t tell Bom.”
Jiyong picks up one of Charlie’s toys and hurls it at the source of the muffled plea. Seunghyun decides he wants to hide, too, tugging his comforter over his head.
Youngbae is smiling underneath and Seunghyun can’t help but return it.
“I am never dog-sitting for you two again. Put on some damn clothes. Daesung’s out there eating breakfast and I can’t make excuses for you anymore.”
Seunghyun hears the door slam. Youngbae moves in close, sliding his arms around Seunghyun’s waist. Charlie worms under the blankets and fights his way between them.
“I did not think he’d take that so well,” Youngbae says, freeing one hand to pet Charlie.
“We should lock the door, though.”
“Next time we’ll get up earlier than them. You have to get back on schedule.”
“If I give up and get flabby again, will you still have sex with me?” Seunghyun asks.
He holds Charlie up, daring Youngbae to say no to a puppy.
“Absolutely not,” Youngbae answers, grinning as he sits up and straddles Seunghyun’s legs. “I only want you for your body.”
Jiyong knocks loudly on the wall they share, but Seunghyun is too comfortable to move.
Pairing: Top/Taeyang
Rating: R
Disclaimer: In no way do I claim the following is/has/will happen. This is only fiction written for fun.
A/N: BIG props to the kpop ficmeme for inspiration, and a special thanks to the beta who helped me out there <3
Summary: Seunghyun starts exercising with Youngbae and soon can't think about much else.
---
Seunghyun knows when it’s Youngbae trying to wake him up, because he’s the only one who tries to do so gently. The rest of his roommates prefer to drag the sheets off his bed and scream when they need him. He’s too comfortable to move, spooned between his panda body pillow and a sleeping puppy, but Youngbae holds Boss up to his face and he has to squirm to avoid a tongue bath.
“What?” he groans, pretending to be more annoyed than he is.
“Can you watch him?” Youngbae asks. “He gets restless when I’m exercising.”
Seunghyun sits up on his elbows to look at the time. 7:00 am, on their day off.
“You’re out of your mind,” he says.
Youngbae just thanks him, dumping Boss on the bed and leaving. Charlie wakes up and the two sniff at each other excitedly. Boss waves his butt in Seunghyun’s face. Going back to sleep is not an option, so Seunghyun herds the dogs into the living room where Youngbae is doing sit-ups on the floor. He flops on the couch and watches, scratching his stomach absent-mindedly.
“Gonna be naked on this album jacket, too?” he asks.
Youngbae laughs, finishing his set before answering.
“It’s kind of expected, now,” he says, lying on his back and stretching out his arms.
“I should be shirtless in my solo video,” Seunghyun jokes.
Youngbae turns his head, eyes wide.
“You should! Everyone would be surprised!”
“Disgusted,” Seunghyun corrects him. “Everyone would be disgusted.”
“Your body is fine.”
Youngbae starts his sit-ups again. Seunghyun watches his stomach contract and relax; not just his stomach, but his chest, his arms, everything flexing and pulling and giving him strength. Seunghyun picks up Charlie with one hand, holding him in front of his face.
“Your dad is a wimp,” he apologizes to the dog. “Don’t go running away from the apartment. I’ll never be able to catch you.”
“Oh shut up,” Youngbae says, breathless. “Work out with me if it bothers you so much.”
“I’m watching the dogs.”
“They can entertain each other.”
“I’m lazy.”
Youngbae shakes his head, giving up. Seunghyun feels guilty, remembering how Youngbae recently promised to nag them all less. Moving sluggishly, he pulls his hoodie over his head and gets on the floor.
“Fighting,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun does his best not to laugh, because Youngbae is generally a genuine person. He feels a little proud of himself when Daesung does a double take on his way to the kitchen and jokes about how Jiyong will get angry if all four of them have abs.
“Different body types,” Youngbae reminds them.
Seunghyun knows this well. Never in his life will he look like Youngbae does. Still, it has been a long time since he tried at all.
---
One night when everyone else seems to have productive things to do, Seunghyun drags Seungri away from his laptop to correct his Japanese workbook.
“Shouldn’t you get Youngbae-hyung to do this?” Seungri whines, stretching out to cover as much of the couch as he can when Seunghyun gets up to get a snack.
Seunghyun sits on Seungri’s leg and he yelps, retreating to the arm of the couch. Seunghyun offers him the bag of popcorn and he takes a handful, still glaring.
“Youngbae is busy,” Seunghyun says. “You’re not.”
Seungri shuts his mouth again and resumes his Good Maknae position, working silently as Seunghyun watches TV. During a commercial break he pokes Seunghyun’s shoulder with his pencil.
“You keep forgetting long vowels,” Seungri says, holding the book out to him.
“That’s just a writing problem, though, right?”
“It’s important in speaking, too. I know it doesn’t seem like it would be.”
Seunghyun reads through the vocabulary words Seungri has circled, trying to hear the difference.
“You should practice with Youngbae-hyung when you work out in the mornings,” Seungri suggests.
Seunghyun feels the back of his neck go hot. He thinks it’s just a little weird to realize that the whole apartment knows he’s trying to get in shape. It was kind of nice for it to be a secret between him and Youngbae and Daesung.
“Work hard and someday you could look like me,” Seungri teases, apparently sensing the shift in mood.
This is bait, but Seunghyun takes it, knowing Seungri likes to be smacked around a little bit. Daesung comes home soon enough to break them up with bags of good-smelling take-out and everyone gathers for dinner. Under Youngbae’s silent watch, Seunghyun skips dessert.
---
Seunghyun first feels it one evening when he’s leaning over to scoop kibble into Charlie’s bowl. He hurries to his room, locking the door and standing in front of his closet mirror. He takes off his shirt and examines himself from a few angles. It’s not very noticeable unless he flexes, but there is some definition that wasn’t there before. Nearly bouncing on his feet, he throws his shirt back on and knocks on Youngbae’s door.
“Check it,” he announces, proud, pulling his shirt up to his ribcage.
Youngbae takes his earbuds out, cocking his head to the side as he reaches out and touches Seunghyun’s abdomen. His fingers are cold.
“That’s awesome!” he says, beaming up at Seunghyun.
“It’s not going to be enough, at least not in time for the album.”
“You should keep it up, though. You’re doing great.”
Seunghyun wants to say something like “thanks to you,” but he’s having an increasingly hard time ignoring the fact that Youngbae is still feeling his stomach. Finally, Youngbae notices the silence and drops his hand.
“Sorry,” he says.
“For what?” Seunghyun asks, pushing his shirt back down and picking at the hem.
Youngbae shrugs, smiling, and Seunghyun is quick to change the conversation.
“I think we should celebrate my success.”
“By drinking a ton of beer and undoing all your hard work,” Youngbae guesses.
Seunghyun frowns, cursing his junior’s intuition.
“Shopping,” he says instead.
Youngbae agrees and promises to text Jiyong once he finishes the next chapter in his Japanese textbook. Seunghyun ignores the implied suggestion that he do the same and goes to pick out his outfit for the night.
There’s still a prickly electric feeling on the skin of his newly-flat stomach. He ignores that, too.
---
Jiyong snaps his fingers from the other side of the store and Seunghyun could kick himself for instinctively looking up.
“Come here and try this on,” he orders, holding out a V-neck shirt that would look perfectly at home on Daesung.
By now, Seunghyun has learned to humor Jiyong whenever possible, so he obliges. He’s not surprised when Jiyong follows him into the dressing room, paying no mind to the store attendant pointedly clearing her throat. He is surprised when the door closes and Jiyong tugs at his clothes.
“Um, what?”
“You bastard,” Jiyong sighs, sitting on the small room’s hard stone bench and crossing his legs. “You just had to go and get all built.”
“You call this built?” Seunghyun asks, frowning at his reflection.
“I know Youngbae’s not going to stop until he turns you into another Mr. Universe, and then where does that put me?”
Seunghyun rolls his eyes, trying on the V-neck top and finding it just as ridiculous as he’d thought it would be. Jiyong laughs, appeased.
“Sorry, had to try,” he apologizes.
Seunghyun changes quickly under Jiyong’s analytical stare.
“You know what someone called me on a forum the other day? Noodle Arms.”
“If you had big beefy arms, you couldn’t shop in the women’s section anymore,” Seunghyun argues.
Jiyong nods, looking a little wistful.
“Youngbae told you about it, huh?” Seunghyun asks.
“Are you kidding me?” Jiyong scoffs. “It’s all he can talk about lately, how proud he is of you. It’s right up there with when he finally housetrained Boss.”
“Oh.”
“Now let’s go find him before Kyungil gets too friendly again.”
So Seunghyun hasn’t been imagining it. Kyungil, who just last month was campaigning against Youngbae’s addition to the group’s Friday nights, has made a pretty drastic turnabout.
“Is he…?”
Seunghyun stops himself. He’s not supposed to ask; that’s been the unspoken rule since he started going around with this crowd. Jiyong leans on the door of the dressing room, looking down at his feet.
“Forget it,” Seunghyun says. “It doesn’t matter.”
“He’s not good enough for Youngbae,” Jiyong says solemnly.
There’s a knock at the door and the attendant asks if they need help with something. Jiyong says no and leads Seunghyun back into the store. They meet the others, and Seunghyun notices Youngbae and Kyungil have matching ice coffees. Jiyong’s words turn over in his head as they leave the mall for Seungho’s favorite bar.
Whether Kyungil is good enough for Youngbae shouldn’t matter, seeing as Kyungil is a man. Either that, or Seunghyun has been asking the wrong questions.
---
Obsessing over Youngbae’s body all the time has seriously messed with his head, Seunghyun thinks. A couple cocktails and a shot have helped him along to this conclusion, but it still seems valid. All night he’s been way too aware of what Youngbae does with his body; how he turns, where he keeps his hands (particularly when he keeps one of his hands on Kyungil’s knee for almost five minutes). It’s exhausting, paying so much attention, and Seunghyun is nearly falling over by the time they make it back to the apartment.
“Somebody cheated on his diet,” Seungri sings, greeting them.
He’s been watching TV in the dark with Gaho on his lap and he’s probably bitter about being stuck dog-sitting.
“Stop reveling in my failure,” Seunghyun warns him, leaning heavily on Youngbae’s arm.
“Hyung is so poetic when he’s drunk!”
Seunghyun doesn’t have the will or energy to play with Seungri, especially with Charlie jumping up his leg. Fortunately, Jiyong steps in, pinching the back of Seungri’s neck and demanding a “thank you, hyung!” before distracting him with all the gifts he bought while they were out.
Seunghyun carries his puppy to his bedroom, lying back on the lumpy plane of stuffed animals covering his bed. He’s aware of Youngbae following him, of course, but he’s also trying very hard right now to block out all light and sound.
“You drank too much.”
“Always do.”
“We’ll have to go twice as long tomorrow to burn it off.”
“I’m not doing this for you.”
Finally, Seunghyun gets the silence he’s needed all night. He feels blindly for Charlie, scratching behind his ears when he finds them. The bed dips with Youngbae’s weight and Seunghyun turns his head to look up at him. His hat casts a shadow over his eyes and his expression is unreadable.
“You asked Jiyong if I was gay,” Youngbae says, voice low even though the door is closed.
Maybe he doesn’t want the dogs to hear, Seunghyun thinks.
“I asked Jiyong if Kyungil was gay, and I said I didn’t care,” Seunghyun tells him.
He really wishes they weren’t having this conversation now, or ever, really.
“I don’t like Kyungil that way.”
“I don’t care who you like.”
He’s getting really good at shutting Youngbae up, he realizes. Maybe it’s just that he’s too tired to care.
“You drank too much,” Youngbae repeats, moving out of Seunghyun’s view. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Youngbae turns off the light for him, and even though Charlie is pacing the bed in impatient circles, Seunghyun falls asleep almost immediately.
---
In his dreams, the dogs are all huge. Gaho comes up to Seungri’s shoulder and Daesung is riding Charlie around the apartment like a pony. Youngbae is upset because he can’t find Boss, and Seunghyun can’t figure out how something so big could be lost. They drive around the city at night looking for him, but then when Seunghyun spots him on the side of the road he can’t get the brakes to work. They drive around the block again and again, waiting for the car to run out of gas. Youngbae calls helplessly to Boss and he howls in return. The sun rises and they’re still going in circles and Seunghyun worries it will never stop.
---
11:30 am. Charlie has peed on the floor, but Seunghyun knows it’s probably too late to scold him. He has to go to the kitchen to get paper towels, but he can’t bring himself to open the door. His phone buzzes and he sees a text from Youngbae.
don’t forget your meeting with Teddy at 3
Seunghyun curses, tossing the phone to the side. He doesn’t have a single new lyric to show for the last month. He doesn’t have anything to show for the last month other than losing a few kilograms and mastering the difference between “obasan” and “obaasan.”
His phone buzzes again.
I hear you in there
at least take a shower
you’ll feel better
Seunghyun really can’t call it nagging when he’s the one lying in bed at lunchtime with piss on his carpet. He gets up and cleans, feeds the dog, takes a shower, all the while trying not to think about how he and Youngbae are the only ones around. Youngbae, for his part, stays in his room with the door halfway open, writing at his desk. Finally, Seunghyun goes to Youngbae’s room and sits on his bed.
“Can you tell Teddy I’m not ready yet?”
Youngbae studies Seunghyun’s face for a long moment before nodding.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” Seunghyun answers honestly, looking down at his hands. “I guess I’ve just been concentrating on the wrong stuff.”
“Sorry if I’ve been distracting you.”
The grin that stretches across Seunghyun’s face comes faster than he can think of the reason behind it. There’s silence between them again and all he can do is shrug.
“You really don’t need to worry about your body,” Youngbae says. “Your rapping is what they care about.”
“I know.”
“Don’t get caught up in drama either. Jiyong and them, they all live off of it, so it will never stop.”
“I guess I’m the kind of person who needs to be taken care of,” Seunghyun thinks aloud.
Youngbae smiles, twisting his computer chair gently from side to side.
“You’re the baby,” he agrees.
“I just don’t know what you get out of it.”
“You like taking care of Charlie, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t get drunk and insult me. The worst he does is pee on things, so it’s kind of hard to get mad at him.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Youngbae promises. “And you didn’t insult me.”
“I kind of called you gay.”
“That’s not an insult,” Youngbae says.
Immediately, he turns to his desk, and Seunghyun stares dumbly at his back. It’s another opening, just like how Youngbae leaves his door cracked in the evenings, but Seunghyun isn’t sure whether to take it. The tension between them is frustrating enough, but he doesn’t want to be the one to fuck things up.
“I’ll call Teddy,” Youngbae says, pulling his phone from his pocket.
Laziness isn’t Seunghyun’s problem, but fear. All the things Youngbae does for him, they’re things that Seunghyun is afraid to do. Now look what it’s become, Seunghyun thinks; he can’t even wake up late without Youngbae feeling responsible.
“He’s dealing with some stuff right now,” Youngbae tells Teddy, the words just barely louder than Seunghyun’s thoughts.
“It’s the things I’m not dealing with,” Seunghyun says after Youngbae hangs up.
“You should write about it,” Youngbae suggests.
Seunghyun shuffles dutifully back to his room, wondering if Youngbae has ever in his life wasted time.
---
He wakes up at 3:00 am and can’t remember when he fell asleep.
“My whole life is these four walls,” he scribbles. It’s a shit start, but it’s better than a blank page.
He grabs his phone off the floor and types a message to Youngbae.
I’m sorry I suck so much at this
I just don’t know what to say
He presses send and falls back onto his pillow.
---
It’s still dark outside when Youngbae shakes Seunghyun awake with a nervous look on his face.
“What’s wrong?” Seunghyun asks, sitting up.
“Nothing.”
Seunghyun looks around for Charlie as his eyes adjust.
“I put him and Boss in with Jiyong,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun doesn’t know what to say to that.
“Big Bang is,” Youngbae starts, hesitating. “I don’t want-”
He stops mid-breath, shifting and sighing.
“Why did you move the dogs?” Seunghyun asks.
“So I could get in bed with you.”
Seunghyun scoots over, pushing his panda pillow out of the way, but Youngbae stays put. He’s starting to get frustrated with this. The more they talk, the more likely they are to talk themselves out of it, and Seunghyun is ready for something to just happen already.
“I don’t know if I should,” Youngbae says.
Seunghyun reaches out and tugs Youngbae’s arm. He finally moves, lying with his body just close enough for Seunghyun to feel the heat coming off of him.
“This is a really really really bad idea,” Youngbae murmurs. “Really bad.”
After a deep breath, he crosses the line between them, resting his forehead on Seunghyun’s shoulder. Seunghyun runs his hand up and down Youngbae’s back like he wishes someone would do for him. It’s a huge relief, actually, to know Youngbae was that nervous.
“Meet me halfway, here,” Seunghyun asks him.
He thinks this is probably hopeless and the two of them are way too nervous and overwhelmed to get anything done, but then Youngbae kisses the edge of Seunghyun’s lips and all of the shaky, fuzzy, skittish feelings dissolve. Seunghyun grins.
“Do that again.”
Youngbae kisses the other side of his mouth, just as chastely. Seunghyun moves his hands from Youngbae’s back to his abdomen, finally touching what his eyes have memorized. He might make a noise while doing this, because Youngbae’s stomach moves when he giggles.
“Just going to feel me up?” Youngbae teases.
There’s not enough strength behind the joke, Seunghyun thinks, not when he can feel Youngbae’s skin burning under his hands. Now that the moment is here, he’s not really sure what to do with it. In the back of his mind Seunghyun has been thinking about touching Youngbae, but he’s never let himself imagine anything beyond that.
“I’m not stopping you, am I?” he huffs, passing the responsibility back.
Fortunately, Youngbae does like to take care of Seunghyun, which right now translates into pushing his shoulders back and kissing the space between his neck and collarbone. Seunghyun keeps up his careful inventory of Youngbae’s body; his upper arms, his hips, the small of his back. He hesitates for just a second before reaching down to squeeze Youngbae’s butt. Youngbae moans into his neck and Seunghyun decides that he can actually handle this. He nudges Youngbae’s head with his until the other comes up for a real kiss.
“Cute,” he mumbles.
“Don’t call me that,” Youngbae says, even though Seunghyun can feel his smile.
“What should I call you then?”
“I don’t know. Youngbae.”
“Bae.”
“Youngbae,” he repeats, biting down on Seunghyun’s lip.
Seunghyun growls but Youngbae laughs at him. He tugs at the waistband of Seunghyun’s sweats, knuckles brushing over his almost painful erection, and Seunghyun freezes. It’s not the fact that it’s Youngbae, because, really, Seunghyun is always awkward when facing these situations sober. He pushes the other away instinctively when he starts to hike up his shirt. Youngbae backs off.
“What if I get undressed first?” he asks.
Seunghyun nods. A few minutes and some uncomfortable maneuvering later, Youngbae’s bare body is moving against his and Seunghyun wants to personally thank every dance teacher and gym trainer that Big Bang has ever worked with.
“Just tell me what to do,” Youngbae breathes.
Oh.
Right, Seunghyun remembers. This is quite possibly the only situation where he will ever be one step ahead of Youngbae and he really should be helping.
“You’re fine,” Seunghyun reassures him. “Don’t think too much.”
Youngbae says “okay” a few times under his breath as Seunghyun moves down his torso. He wraps his fingers around the base of Youngbae’s cock, tasting the underside. It’s not unpleasant, and he likes the sound of Youngbae’s whimpers and how he tugs at his hair. That is, until Youngbae suddenly bucks and comes on the side of Seunghyun’s face.
“Oh, shit, no, no,” Youngbae stammers, wriggling out of Seunghyun’s grasp.
“That’s alright, that’s fine.”
“No, it’s not, I’m sorry, let me just, wait, wait-”
Youngbae grabs Seunghyun’s arm, holding him still and wiping his cheek clean.
“This is my shirt.”
Youngbae groans and falls back on the bed, covering his face. Seunghyun wants to laugh at him but the moment is dangerously close to passing.
“Did you want to stop?” he asks.
Youngbae uncovers his face and suddenly he’s focused again. It’s the same way he focuses on dancing and singing and teaching Seunghyun how to look and speak better. Seunghyun loves being the center of it.
---
“You two are so fucking lucky, do you know that?”
Seunghyun opens his eyes and is hit with the icy realization that Boss is the one licking the back of his neck. Jiyong stands over his bed, arms crossed.
“If Seungri found you like this the whole city would know about it in two hours,” he scolds.
Seunghyun turns to see Youngbae’s outline hiding under his covers.
“But since you got me, I didn’t see anything,” Jiyong continues, wincing against what Seunghyun guesses is a pretty bad headache. “And I hope the next time, when there is something for me not to see, you will lock the door so I don’t see it.”
“Don’t tell Bom.”
Jiyong picks up one of Charlie’s toys and hurls it at the source of the muffled plea. Seunghyun decides he wants to hide, too, tugging his comforter over his head.
Youngbae is smiling underneath and Seunghyun can’t help but return it.
“I am never dog-sitting for you two again. Put on some damn clothes. Daesung’s out there eating breakfast and I can’t make excuses for you anymore.”
Seunghyun hears the door slam. Youngbae moves in close, sliding his arms around Seunghyun’s waist. Charlie worms under the blankets and fights his way between them.
“I did not think he’d take that so well,” Youngbae says, freeing one hand to pet Charlie.
“We should lock the door, though.”
“Next time we’ll get up earlier than them. You have to get back on schedule.”
“If I give up and get flabby again, will you still have sex with me?” Seunghyun asks.
He holds Charlie up, daring Youngbae to say no to a puppy.
“Absolutely not,” Youngbae answers, grinning as he sits up and straddles Seunghyun’s legs. “I only want you for your body.”
Jiyong knocks loudly on the wall they share, but Seunghyun is too comfortable to move.
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Date: 2009-11-16 01:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-16 06:22 pm (UTC)